It can't be me

[Michael]

My internet service contract lapsed five months ago and it took me this long to work up the courage to try and get things straightened out even though the actual service wasn't interrupted. Spent two hours today with my interpreter in an unsuccessful attempt to get a new contract and it reminded me of the last time I did this about two years ago.

Back then I took my interpreter and we had to go to the wrong place because it's not possible to go to the right place at the beginning of the quest. First you have to go to the wrong place so they can tell you where the right place is. It's not possible to discover this information prior to arrival because that would be the future. Like microbiology, the future does not exist here.

Went to the right place. Why you here? Just call the guy, no need to come all the way down here. Shit, how long it take you. Must be more than one hour on the bus, hah. Yah.

We called the guy, not the installer, not the technician, but some kind of Amway, multi-level marketing internet distribution guy. He comes to my place the next evening with his Silent Starer and I've got two interpreters now 'cause I'm determined.

I have all the equipment, was using a different provider up until a few weeks ago, should able to just flip a switch. I already know everything for the new provider: the price, the speed, the length of service contract, etc. I've just got to pay this guy. He comes in with his Silent Starer so it won't be easy for us to chop him into pieces without someone getting off a scream.

I offer water. Offering means pouring into glasses and placing them before the guests. You can't just say, "Do you want some water?" Hah! No takers.

He sits down, Silent Starer remains standing, finger waiting to press the third digit for the cops. Amway internet man begins talking about something, probably durian futures in Malaysia or maybe the price of tea in India. No idea since I don't speak much Mandarin. I interrupt, ask my interpreter to ask if I need to sign anything, show my passport, any paperwork? No, let's get back to talking durian for another 30 minutes.

I keep standing up with 1100 RMB in my hand and physically try and put it into the Amway internet distributor's paw. He manages to elude me like a Wing Chun Sifu every time and continues his treatise on how fresh the air is next to the mountain.

"Really? I live next to a mountain? Gee, I never noticed." Every Chinese person I've met the past 8 years tells me how fresh the air is where I live next to the mountain. This is Guangzhou. There hasn't been any fresh air here for about 20 years.

I keep trying to give him money. He indirectly refuses every time, continuously wiping his forehead with a red bandana and making polite gestures to prevent receiving the money. The guy is good. I never seen anybody so good at refusing money.

I ask my interpreters to inquire as to why he won't take my money. He answers something about paperwork. What paperwork do we need to do? "What paperwork indeed," he replies. Continues wiping his forehead while talking and dodging my money.

I keep expecting the Silent Starer to remove a scooby doo mask and reveal Alan Fundt or Geraldo Rivera doing a bit on "How far can we push the laowai before he goes insane?" but the mask never comes off and somehow I avoid apoplexy. After a half hour of this, the Amway man rises, announces that if we can't pay him now it's all right, he'll come back tomorrow evening as he dodges me again.

I'm sorry, I realize I should just wear a body camera so you'd be able to see for yourselves.

Both my interpreters are paralyzed by the Chinese-ness of it all. Somehow the Amway internet man let's us understand that I should hand the money to my interpreter and then from the interpreter to him. We do it. He maintains the continuity of the circle and hands it back to me, asking me to count it again.

"Are you sure it's eleven hundred?" he asks.
"Yes," I reply, following his gestures to give it to my interpreter again, and then to the Amway man, who suddenly acknowledges payment, pockets the cash, drinks one ml of the water glass before him, makes a few parting remarks about other exotic southeast Asian fruit, and finally leaves with Silent Starer in tow.

This story is true and none of the names have been changed. Really. I doubt this was the most frustrating thing that I experienced that week, but it was the most memorable.

It's not me. It's them, right? It's got to be them.

[Strange]

it sound like a scene from Lost In Translation 2
with bill murray in it
muah ha ha ha
"this laowai can't hand me the money, his shit is so fake"
muah ha ha ha

[Michael]

My money handing fu is velly row revel.

[Darthwing Teorist]

You should make a blog, like the dude from GaijinSmash.

[Interloper]

Best true story evah. For now.

[Strange]

[Azer]

LOL... Awesome stuff Michael!

[Michael]

I'm trying to find the funny side of maddening situations. My very conscientious and patient interpreter today asked me why I get so upset spending two hours to get nowhere. I said that it should have taken 30 seconds to give us the info and they always leave the most relevant stuff until the end of a series of decisions that were based on what wasn't being told. He said other foreigners he helps don't get upset. So, it is me. Drat.

[chud]

It's not you Michael.

What a crazy story; I wonder what clicked and finally made him decide to accept payment.
It seems that there were some strange undercurrents going on there ("paralyzed by the Chinese-ness of it all" says a lot).

About 5 years ago I really wanted to go to China, but honestly I have no desire any more.
Not because of your thread Michael, just the culmination of all the China threads I have read over the years.

[Michael]

In all these years, I have never figured out how to avoid or accelerate these crazy situations. My last girlfriend, a very easy-going and gentle, lovely Chinese girl, before being my interpreter, she just went with the flow and didn't mind. She decided to emigrate to Canada after a year of trying to help me get internet and whatnot; there were also several other significant issues like food safety and cost of living. She visited Germany once and was shocked to see a much higher quality of life and lower cost of living.

I remember when she spent three or four days trying to find out where and how I could pay my internet bill. They kept telling her, "The internet account expired and money is owed, but we can't tell you how much because more charges are being added." When she asked how they could be added if it expired months ago, or how she could ever discover the total so I could pay it, a circular discussion ensued. She was never able to find the answer of how much to pay or where to pay it. She called them every day for a while and I finally told her to give up, which is when I switched to the new "Amway" internet provider.

[Michael]

About 5 years ago I really wanted to go to China, but honestly I have no desire any more.
Not because of your thread Michael, just the culmination of all the China threads I have read over the years.

It's been a very valuable experience for me. I'm blessed. Gets you out of your comfort zone.

[Bao]

Funny story. But yeah, that's chinese mentality allright.

Chud, it's understandable. All too understandable.

[JonathanArthur]

Michael, just based on that short piece I would say you should write a fictional novel based on your time there.

I recommend 'Henderson the Rain King' by Saul Bellow if you haven't already read it.

We must have that Skype conversation soon; please forgive the delay.

[gzregorz]

When I lived in Guangdong it seemed like I would often be put through a Chinese fire drill to get things done. Good on you on being a zen master and just letting things just play out. I know a lot laowei would have run out patience.

It sounds to me like he was trying to build relations with you and the translators to continue doing more business with you and them in the future. If he took the money then he would have felt compelled to leave. Instead I think he was trying to show or least pretend that the money wasn't important (kind of like when everyone wants to pay for the meal to save face) and I think the more you tried to give it to him be extended the meeting 10 more minutes.

[Dmitri]

That was pretty funny (and well-written); thanks Michael.