good one liners...

[meeks]

I'm listening to Rodney Dangerfield.. this made me chuckle:

my mother never breastfed me.... she said she only liked me as a friend


anyone have one liners to share?

[meeks]

I like to drink - I gave my Doctor a urine sample, there was an olive in it...

I'd just like to thank those of you that took the time to write to me... and for those that did write in... 'the same to you'...

[Ron Panunto]

My wife asked me to take her to a place she's never been, so I took her to the kitchen.

[Bill]

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My wife, she was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

[Bill]

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

[Michael Babin]

We were so poor when I was little... if I didn't wake up with an erection, I had nothing to play with all day!

[Michael Babin]

“Rum and buggery, my good man, rum and buggery!" said by Winston Churchill [when asked, during WW II, what was keeping the British fleet going in such trying times.]

[Bill]

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

Say what you want about deaf people...

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

[Bill]

[Dmitri]

A Jewish janitor. (It's an old one from the former USSR... probably well out of its time and place, here/now... oh well, throwing it out there just in case.)


What cruel bastard put an "s" into the word "lisp"!

[Andy_S]

Lady Astor: Mister Churchill! I do believe you are drunk!
Sir Winston: That I may be, madam. But when I awaken I will be sober. You, however, will still be ugly.

Tory MP on Labor MP (and ex-thesp) Glenda Jackson: The fact that launched a thousand dredgers.

One for Dmitri form 'behind the iron curtain:"
(In a bar)
First patron to another: "Have you heard the latest about our pathetic excuse of a leader?
Second patron: Sir, perhaps I should warn you: I am a secret policeman...
First patron: Oh! Well, don't worry, I will speak very slowly

[neijia_boxer]

“There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'” – Conan O’Brien

“I’m now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.”- henny youngman

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”- rodney Dangerfield

“Went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.”- steven wright

[Doc Stier]

"Life ain't so bad. I started out with nothin', and I still have most of it left!"

[meeks]

(Sarah Silverman)
When I was 14 I started spending a lot of time with my dad's best friend, which was weird.. I mean, what kind of grown man hangs out with a 14 year old boy?

[Andy_S]

The ultimate one liner?

Eastern Europe during the Mongolian invasion. A swaggering Mongolian warrior, wiping hot blood from his scimitar blade, confronts a sniveling local peasant.
"Listen in, ye pathetic dog! My horde of unstoppable warriors have swept in from the steppes! We have killed your king, slaughtered your nobility, annihilated your armies, turned your fortresses to ashes and overrun your kingdom. Say now: Will ye now bow to my every wish?"
Peasant says not a word, but for 10 years, does every damned thing the scimitar wielder orders. The scimitar wielder, in turn, enjoys years of easy living.
A decade hence, he keels over from a heart attack.
Standing at his graveside, the peasant spits down and replies:
"No!"