by Andy_S on Sun Mar 22, 2015 7:13 pm
SNIP
You left out the joys of invading England without mercy.
SNIP
I did, I did. Damn...a bit of nationalism must have crept in there. And they did not just invade. Those blasted Norsemen actually conquered Northern England - which is why TO THIS VERY DAY anyone who lives north of Watford is pretty well incomprehensible. (Even on the rare occasions when he or she is sober.)
There again it was we bold English fellows - ha-ha! - who offed the biggest and hardest Viking of them all - ie Harold Hardrada who is also, incidentally, probably one of the Top 5 badasses to have lived, anywhere, ever - at Stamford Bridge in 1066. And we did that after skewering his champion berserker through the rectum - true. (BTW, Hardrada is worth looking up. What a fucking pub fighter: Badly wounded at the battle where his father is hacked to death at 15. Escapes to Kiev, where he bullies his way to lead a group of Viking mercenaries in the king's service. Travels to Byzantium where he heads the Varangian Guard, win countless bar fights, earns shitloads of loot and equally shitloads of enemies. Slays a dragon and conquers Jerusalem. (Bit dubious, those two bits of info.) When things get too hot for him in Byzantium, returns home with his earnings - marrying the princess of Kiev en route - slaughters anyone who got in his way, and makes himself king of the Danes. Lords it over everyone in Scandinavia (hence "Hardrada" - "hard ruler"). With nobody left to kill in Scandinavia, invades God's Own Country with the greatest fleet of dragon ships every assembled. Has the temerity to unveil his war banner, "The Land Waster" over the green fields of England. Finally gets his just comeuppance in bloody battle with Harold Godwin and his Saxons. THE END)
And it was not just England. Let's see:
Scootland: Yes, those islands and highlands are full of Norsemen to this day, which is probably why Jocks are always up for a ruck
Ireland: Explains everything
Russia and Ukraine: When the Swedish Vikings rowed ("rus) down the Danube and Volga, they left their name on the land...
Normandy: Yes, France's warrior elite - who went on to conquer Sicily, much of Southern Italy, most of the Holy Land and that rainy little island across the channel - were not cheese-eating surrender monkeys, but iron-hard men of the Northway
Wassail! Wotan! Walhalla! (etc)
Services available:
Pies scoffed. Ales quaffed. Beds shat. Oiks irked. Chavs chinned. Thugs thumped. Sacks split. Arses goosed. Udders ogled. Canines consumed. Sheep shagged.Matrons outraged. Vicars enlightened. PM for rates.