Funny Things People Have Said

[Michael]

In total seriousness, people have said the following to me recently:

1) While riding down the street or on campus on my bicycle, I sometimes go no-handed, which is something I've been doing since the age of about seven, I think.

My most recent Chinese riding companion told me, "If you don't stop doing that, you'll be arrested by the police!"

[bailewen]

Although the last story is kind of the funniest, it's the middle story that gets me personally: "Your clothes are too wet for us to dry. Take them home and dry them, then bring them back and we'll dry them."

That is the sort of thing that makes me want to rip my ears out. I don't even know how many times I have come just a hairs breadth away from some sort of international incident over some piece of retardedness like that. Usually much less idiotic but, in principle, the same. The one that drives me nuts for some reason, even though its really very minor (maybe its like "Chinese" water torture) is how you can't purchase cold soft drinks except for maybe one month in the middle of summer. Not refrigerating them is one thing but being told what a whacko I am for drinking cold coca cola when it's only 15 or 20 degrees out drives me nuts. Last I checked, tea was serverd hot even if it was 45 degrees C. outside.

Warm coke....m mm mmmmm. . . .

There's the unavailability of deodorant or even undershirts in the winter because they are "seasonal products".

Being asked by several neighbors in one day after a 3 or 4 day weekend if I had gone back to America to see family over the holidy?!?

For some reason I can't think of others at the moment but all of your stories feel very familiar to me.

[Michael]

I figured you could relate. Must tell you that in Guangdong refrigeration is available 365 day/year, but there's no heating or insulation in the buildings.

LOL @ the "Did you go home for the [3 day] holiday?"
What about when they ask you, "How's the weather in America?" Are Americans this geographically inept and I just never realized it? My students and friends all have *zero* sense of direction or ability to look at a map and understand where they are. They are totally disoriented 100% of the time and can't understand how I remember where things are on trails or in the city, and it's every single one of them. Must be a singular explanation deserving of conspiracy therapy.

I also dread when people know I'm going to or coming back from the USA and they are compelled to ask me how long the trip takes, but obviously don't want to hear me explain about plane changes and other intermediate transit. Is this some deep mystery? Get on the Internet and look at flight schedules!

[Muad'dib]

It's good to know things like this do not only happen in Japan.

[Darth Rock&Roll]

maybe you should have said " 澄清 " (elucidate) instead of "explain".

[Dabbler]

I also dread when people know I'm going to or coming back from the USA and they are compelled to ask me how long the trip takes, but obviously don't want to hear me explain about plane changes and other intermediate transit. Is this some deep mystery? Get on the Internet and look at flight schedules!

Just wanted to comment on the subtleties of being polite. Rather than asking "how was your trip" or asking questions that might appear nosey you are asked the non-threatening obvious question. This gives the person answering some options. Reply with just the facts you keep the other person at arms length. Reply with the facts plus a comment on the quality of the trip you share something with the person asking. At worst you respond with a quality commentary about how the flight was, all the details of what went wrong or right while the person listening is too polite to interrupt and listens to your response. If they had asked "how was your flight" and you respond with the glib "oh it was fine" this is the slight of the white lie. They have lost face by your dismissal of their interest and you have lost face by your evasive convenient answer. A comparison question might be if your friend is having marriage problems and you wanted to help you might ask "how long are you married now" If they need to talk they will. If they don't want to talk you can get an answer and still be friends. Jumping in with "so are you happily married" is just for tv shows. I had a friend from a different culture who said it took her a while to realise when people said "how are you" they were just saying hello and did not really give a crap about how she was.

[meeks]

Dabbler - I disagree. There's nothing wrong with saying "it was fine" - that's like thinking 'ni chi le ma?' (have you eaten) is an invite to give you a meal rather than just a simple yes/no which is expected. "how was your trip" doesn't mean you need to describe every detail - if someone wants to know that they can follow up with "did you do anything special?".

Personally I've never felt "how was (whatever event)" nosey - it's often a genuine welcoming. If you respond with "well first the stewardess had an ass like a mack truck, there was a goat in the aisle and every person at the back of the plane stowed their luggage up front so I had to put my luggage at the back of the plane..." you'll simply push them away.

[Chris Fleming]

It's good to know things like this do not only happen in Japan.

There was this guy who would ride the densha around the Kansai area so commonly that many people at the university I went to had stories to tell. The guy was always drunk as hell. He would come up to us gaijin and ask us to read his poetry to check his English and tell him what we thought of it. He may then try to give you some of his alcohol.

[bailewen]

Seriously.

It's taken some serious coaching from my wife to learn how to deal with the questions. Used to irritate the hell out of me until I got used to the fact that they were just asking reflexive "small talk" questions (ie. 吃了没/have you eaten)

That's why they ask if I went home to see family. They aren't really that retarded to think that I could fly back to the states for a 3 day weekend. They ask the question just out of reflex because that's what they ask everybody else they haven't seen for 3 or 4 days. "Been home to see the family?" Sadly, it doesn't stop it from grating on me.

Also had to learn to answer evasively as I am always being asked waaaaay to personal stuff for a complete stranger. Where do you live? My reflexive answer for a complete stranger on the street is, "None of your fucking business." Same thing for being asked if I live there alone, with family, am I married, how old am I, where do I work and how much money do I make.

Q:Where do you live?
A:Over that way. (gesture vaguely)
Q:How much do you make?
A:Meh...not much but it's enough I guess.
Q:No, I mean, how many yuan per month.
A: Oh...just enough to cover my rent and food and have a little left over to go out once in a while.

To avoid being suckered into having to drive half way across town for some lame social event I don't feel like you have to know how to be vague on the phone too. They will first ask what your doing and where are you to confirm you have time before actually telling you to come out and thereby leaving you no room for a white lie/excuse. Half the time, it's something I might like doing, just not on 10 minutes notice.

Q: Hey! Bailwen! Where are you?
A: Oh, I'm out and about. (在外边)
Q: Who are you with?
A: A friend of mine.
Q: Which friend?
A: Oh, you don't know him.

When the invite is for another day and you don't want to go, never create a specific reason because it might not be a good one. Never say you have plans with someone else like your wife or girlfriend because then they'll just invite the both of you. Just say, "I have a "thing" I gotta do. (有点事)

*sigh*

Saves all sorts of aggravation.

[meeks]

I remember the 'how much do you make/where do you live' questions, and after starting in the factory districts before moving into the city I learned to evade those answers but more out of safety than privacy.

Sometimes it's strange because you're translating it that it seems odd...I remember being greeted after a small trip to another Province with "ni hui lai le ma?" (you're back?) and always thinking "of course I'm back - I'm right in front of you...", but then I thought about it while discussing it with a friend and I realized "wait a sec - we say the same thing in English sometimes..." - after that it made perfect sense.

[David Boxen]

Just a couple days ago I was circle-walking around a tree in a park and some guy starts yelling at me, "Hug that tree! Come on, hug that tree! Hug it!"

[Michael]

Just a couple days ago I was circle-walking around a tree in a park and some guy starts yelling at me, "Hug that tree! Come on, hug that tree! Hug it!"

Now that's funny.

[meeks]

reminds me of circle walking with fellow classmates in the 90s and a woman walks by with her dog, which is barking like nuts at us.
*yapyapyap...yapyap!"
"relax barney...it's just taichi.."
"yap yap...yapyap yap!"
"it's just taichi barney...it's taichi..."

I said "holy shit - her dog knows taichi?"