h4890 wrote:marvin8 wrote:I wasn't there. However, I noticed the words you used:
Thinking of winning, opponent, being in a duel, war or one is "a dangerous man" may contribute to turning asking someone to remove their shoes from a bus seat into an attack. In contrast, the posted video suggests to start by making it about them. You eat the bitter.
Oh but here you completely misunderstood me. When I am talking about what I read, I'm reflecting on my question at large and referring to language used in those books. I'm not saying that I quoted those authors or used to words in the encounter. So again, you are responding to something that did not take place. As for bitterness, I'll gladly eat it, since the seats are more clean, and hopefully the guy learned the lesson that he cannot shut everyone up with threats and violence.
However, I feel that our discussion is moving away from my question at large, and we are getting stuck in how I did or did not react in this situation, and this is not something that I would like to discuss in this thread, since I'm more interested in psychological strategies to use in encounters. You did comment on (or the guy in the video) breathing and creating space, and this is sound advice.
But would you mind if we continued our discussion about me, my ego and how I act either in a separate thread or IM? It might be valuable for me and you, to better understand each other, but I don't think it is very valuable for the rest of the world.
Neither did I misunderstand nor say you "quoted those authors or used those words in the encounter."
You misstated or misunderstood the video. He said, "If you empathize with them, you give them every opportunity to make it about them. Eating the bitter. You’re the one going to look like the fool. Your ego has to take a back seat."
The Guerrilla Self-Protection Solution on Oct 25, 2018 wrote:De-escalating the situation is more about empathy with the individual. Assuming they are not predatory, you may be able to avoid a physical confrontation by choosing to not let your ego get into the battle:
The actions you took are opposite of what is taught to law enforcement and security. You made him look like the fool. As a result, he retaliated by punching you in the face. So, you didn't win and your question wasn't answered, "Winning without throwing a punch, or perhaps 'setting the stage?'"
Instead of making him look like a fool, you could have put your ego aside, empathized, unarmed him and given him the chance to do the right thing or be the "nice person." In turn, he may have taken his shoes off the seat, not punch you in the face and learned a lesson. Most would say that answers your questions. "How one acts" is integral to the discussion of "psychological strategies to use in encounters."