by Ad_B on Mon Sep 25, 2023 1:05 am
Please be patient, there may be 'shen' in the end.
Summer time.
All is well, basic of TJQ journey from 2007 has been a long-march of study, practise, learning, unlearning, relearning beset by procrastination, gradual change, misunderstandings and harsh lessons. Its like ahrd-knock lessons set by invisible task-masters/fates/Tao-teachers since, in retrospect there were so many instances of being forced to correct, to learn, to experience whatever it was of whichever aspect of basic Art TJQ was to the fore of my consciousness and practise at the time and every sprain, pain, fall, fail could apparently be linked to the topical pertinance and perspective of the current lesson. I don't believe its so but its definately weird coincidence and once could be an accident but several makes one wonder a bit. Likely its simply self-correcting since ones focus is such-a-way that its just natural to be wrong before you can be right and in moving from unbalance to balance, to fall and to fail before self-correcting.
So, its July and the years of study and practise have paid off a lot. The overloaded job for a toxic employer of 23 years is not the burden it was before TJQ concepts applied and the stress, tiredness and constant toxicity of the management are all just 'water off the ducks back'. Its not about accepting or getting used to it, its about engaging with it and wrangling it physically, mentally, conceptually and positvely via the prism of basics of TJQ. I'd accepted and acclimatised to it in the 7 years before beginning TJQ and it didn't work, it was just exhausting, gruelling negativity plus, I was a youngman then and I'm now middle-aged knocking-on elderly.
Add to that 5 years of being a carer for an aged parent, with a steady loss of mobility and plenty of other problems and continuing (plus including a global pandemic) which is a lot of work, never a spare minute but never-the-less it all just 'flows like a river and never stops' and all is in order and there is no stress or distress, a place for everything and everything in its place.
Karma? A relative, knowing my workload mentioned that I must be exhausted. I replied that honestly? "No", its just a flow which is actually energising and beneficial, I'd never been better and in a way, never been less stressed or overloaded and life is good. I always try to prctise and evaluate TJQ concepts at work since for most of the day I'm alone and self-governed and outside in the country. My approach is to assume that the basics include Qigong, neigong, meditation and diet & etc as a complete lifestyle art and craft and whilst, one pleasant summer morning at work, pondering the matter of my relatives question and my response wondered if I had arrived at a good, basic, operationally effective level of basic TJQ or there was anything I'd missed, anything needing more practise, more polishing, more learning and decide upon focussing a bit more refining and defining work on Shengong.
Later that day, it was like a mind-fucking explosion of fucked-upness setting off a chain of further mind-fucking explosions of fucked-upness that flows like a river of fucked-upness and never fucking stops.
Long story, short version:
Got home and got notice my older brother was dying, he wasn't old but was very ill suddenly. He died 3 days later.
I decided that it was morally correct to be the bearer of the bad news that no parent ever wishes to learn so chose the day before my day off so that I could 'field' the situation with the care and attention it required.
Three weeks later the funeral, I'd done the flowers. Morning of, my sisters decided that aged-parent with little mobility ought to attend. I didn't so, but you cannot reason with highly-charged emotion. Parent injured ankle whilst being moved to car. Had minor stroke. Zero mobility. Now bedridden. Rearrange care needs accordingly. A lot of work.
Work messing about with schedules, workloads, start/finish times and getting rid of workforce at every opportunity.
5 weeks later, Aged Parent to be sent to respite-care home to be assessed for long-term residence which means house must be sold and live-in care made homeless. I'm the live-in carer.
8 weeks later, Despite all that, very calm, good spirits. Very self-congratulatory re: TJQ aspects of staying calm, controlled, healthy, balanced, engaged & etc.
Wonder why or how so calm though. Shen? must evealuate, quantify and qualify. Good opportunity.
Next day
Calmly drive workvan into an apple tree. Senior moment/neurobiological malfunction/psychological autopilot ?
Next day
Banned from driving works van despite only light damage and 23 years clean record and given punishment work. Gave them an opportunity to 'put the boot in' and they glady accepted.
Next week. Aged-parent taken into respite care.
Week later. Stress reaction at work. No mental focus. No physical co-ordination. Really have to deeply, intentionally engage just to keep going. Call doctor for working-fit-note to cover evntualities. Still outwardly calm and functional. inwardly, brainstorming despite consicously engaging that. Its a battle.
Few days later. Considering capitulation as option. To walk away? know that physical and mental shit is not quite right. Still winning, body and spirit still functional evn if in 'emotional lockdown', running on reason alone.
Few days later, 3 days off in a row.
For years, never actually had a 'day off'. Nothing needs doing. Mentally exhausted.
I light a comforting fire in the hearth and settle-down to consider the 'shen' of it.
I'm 99% teetotal. All through that sober. But I recall an historic method of consideration from ancient Persia. They'd consider important points once whislt sober and once whilst drunk to try and cover all bases from both reason and emotion, I guess.
3 ciders and half-pint of single-malt later on and I'm balling like a baby in a bag of broken blades.
So, thats where the emotional response to loss and change was hiding? Behind a fortification of TJQ-style form, posture, attitude & etc
I'd wondered where is was. It didn't seem right that it didn't manifest.
Whilst letting it all go in an alcohol fuelled damburst, I was still observing, as though some part of my consciousness was outside of both emotion and reason and with this part of consciousness I was intentionally scanning (tinging?) my emotional response for its qualities because I cannot allow for self-pity to be in any way, shape or form informing my psychology. I don't mind most anything else, but self-pity is a no-no. There was no self-pity, this was, IMHO, simply a response to a lot of disruption and loss.
That part of the consiousness that was able to be apart from the emotive/reason cognitive processes, to be accessed via intention, to observe and to inform is IMHO...
Shen ?