the rum soaked fist: internal martial arts forum

(We sell milk for 2.99 a gallon. Some kid pulled the “.” and the “9″ off so it says 29 dollars. Not surprisingly, a lady comes in to buy a gallon and hands me thirty dollars.)

Me: “Ma’am, you just gave me a twenty and 10 singles to buy milk. It’s only $2.99.”

Lady: “Well that’s not what the sign says! it says 29 dollars!”

Me: “But ma’am, you’re paying more money than it actually costs.”

Lady: “I don’t care how much it costs! Just do your job and give me my f**king milk for 29 dollars!”

Me: “Okay, If that’s what you want…” *gives her a dollar back*

Lady: “Thank you! If you had just done your job I would’ve been out of here by now!”

Me: “Have a great day!”

Those Oh-So Subtle Distinctions
Bookstore | Petoskey, MI, USA

Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”

(I overheard a fellow salesperson’s sale. He was with a customer but another customer interrupts.)

Customer: “I want to make you offer on this laptop. I give you $650.”

Coworker: “Sorry, sir, the price is $749.”

Customer: *looks at his wife and nods* “I give you $650 plus 3 chicken!”

Coworker: *fighting back a smile* “Sorry, the price is $749.”

(A boy and his mother come up to my register. The boy starts asking questions about the ant farm we have on display.)

Boy: “Can they mate?”

Me: “No, there’s no queen in there.”

Boy: “Oh… so they can’t mate?”

Me: “No, they’re all male.”

Boy: “So they can’t?”

Mother: *turns to boy* “Okay, shut up or go away! You’re being annoying!”

Two Words, Both Rhyme With Celebrate
retail | Rohnert Park, CA

Me: “Anything else I can get for you today?”

Female Customer: “Oh yeah! I need batteries?”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “What do you need batteries for?”

Female Customer: “I just need batteries, ok?”

Me: “D Cells?”

Female Customer: “Yeah…”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “But really, what do you need batteries for?”

(There is a huge line of customers waiting on their drinks. An impatient customer who just placed his order assumes the next drink is his and takes it, after I call someone else’s name.)

Customer: “This isn’t hot chocolate.”

Me: “That’s because you grabbed someone else’s drink.”

Customer: “But it isn’t hot chocolate!”

Me: “There are nine people in front of you waiting for drinks. You grabbed the wrong drink.”

Customer: “But it isn’t hot chocolate.”

(I look at the order screen for the name on the drink he took.)

Me: “Is your name ***?”

Customer: “No, and this isn’t hot chocolate!”

Me: “That’s because you took ****’s drink!”

Customer: “It’s not hot chocolate!”

Me: “Hand me the drink and I will remake the person who’s drink you took. I’ll make your hot chocolate, but it will take a few minutes!!”

(Customer hands the drink back to me.)

Customer: “It’s not hot chocolate!”

(A customer approaches one of my cashiers holding two children’s t-shirts with identical logos one boys and one girls. We were having a liquidation sale and all boys’ clothing was 40% off while girls’ clothing was 50% off.)

Customer: “What’s the discount on these?”

Cashier: “One is 40% off and the other is 50% off.”

Customer: “Why are they different?”

Cashier: “One is girls and one is boys.”

Customer: “I don’t understand… what’s the difference between girls and boys?”

Cashier: *without even skipping a beat* “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.”

(Cue the entire checkout line laughing.)